what He is teaching me

I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago as we are both playing the waiting games in our respective adoptions. We discussed how easily distracted from God we become when our worlds change. We talked about how even honorable things, tasks, people, and God's callings on our lives can become our idols.
I knew it in my head, I knew it in my head, but I have found that apart from God's precious grace, no change will come to my heart until He wills it.
We were scheduled for the transfer...a date in sight...reality. My aching for our babies was going to come to an end and I could see it.  I went this past Tuesday for my first blood test on all the meds, to see what progress had come. The doctor found an "active cyst" on my right ovary. Basically, that means it is affecting my hormone levels and the date would need to be pushed back, maybe a week, maybe longer...uncertainty once again.  It almost sounds like whining when I type it, such a small setback. I knew it in my head, that it is in His hands, His perfect timing, for His good - a good I might never be able to comprehend while on earth.
I knew it in my head, but only by God's grace can it change in my heart. I was worshipping at a gathering thursday night and was overcome with conviction that I had made God's calling first in my life recently, not God. Jesus is to be above all else.
So, Father, forgive me for putting anything before you. Isaiah 42:8 says, "I am the LORD; that is my name! I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols"

the package on my doorstep

So, since there was no polyp, I have started on my meds for the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) which is the terms for actually putting the embryos into my uterus.  Sorry to be so technical (not to mention graphic) but I hope it just makes things easier to use the correct jargon.  I am amazed that God resolved the polyp and the procedure was as easy as it could have been with minimal pain and side effects.

So off to order my meds...the doctor's estimate for the cost of my meds was 500-700 dollars, long story short, my insurance covered some and the total cost for us was 250. Soooo thankful! After overnight shipping, I received the box today, I opened it and poured the contents on the table, I was overwhelmed as the thought of this got REALLY real. I have known it all aong, but reality setting in has come in spurts. I begin giving myself shots tomorrow in the stomach, then move to IM shots in the rear after a few weeks wich could possibly last a few months into pregnancy.

Being a woman who was blessed by having three kids...*ahem...the old fashioned way...I have a new heart for women struggling with infertility and wanting to bear a child. God's perfect design for our bodies can not be duplicated, and in our attempt, it never is the same and challenges us daily to find joy.

My fears today are that none of the babies will "implant," also frankly, that all of the babies will implant, that they will be in the nicu, my blood pressure will rise, I will be sick again during pregnancy, that I will have throuble being a mom to all these kids. Father, I give You my fears. I know it will not be easy, but I know that is in Your eternal hands and as a friend quoting John Piper told me, " 'results are God's responsibility, obeying is mine'" Wherever this road takes me, I know it will draw me closer to Jesus and grow me into the person He wants me to be. 

He has done it again

Thank you all for the prayers, Ryan and I had a wonderful weekend. We spent much needed time together and time refocusing on Jesus. On the trip, we decided to step out in faith and go forward with the procedure.

I went today for a hysteroscopy, to remove the polyp the doctor thought he saw in November.  During the procedure, no polyp was found (Praise Jesus!), and I am now able to move forward with the cycle.

I was discussing with a friend this morning how weak we are to continually see God do huge things, then have one set-back and begin to doubt.  Jesus, please keep me focused on You alone!