Do you ever feel like you can't go on? Morning comes, you get up, everything else goes on, but can you? I know that God is in control although this outcome is not at all what either of us expected. I must admit, having never had a miscarriage before, I simply took pregnancy for granted. Not that pregnancy is easy for me, just the thought of losing the babies seemed such a tiny chance. The unexpected happened and for God's glory, our three babies are praising Jesus, right by his side.
What seems weird to me about the process is the suddenness with which it hits. I will make it through the week as best I can, then without warning, I am on the floor in tears and not knowing when it will go again. I also know that the babies are much happier, having to never suffer the futility of this world. It seems the only actual grief is from my own dreams, plans and desires. It is such a confusing time, it almost feels selfish to mourn them.
A woman told me that when this happens - you immediately, "become part of a sisterhood you never wanted to be a part of." How true that is. In the past month, I have listened to and shared with so many women about the children we never got a chance to hold, and even decades after they are still missed. I have a new appreciation for the desperation of infertility. It seems the only thing that will fill a void is a baby.
I have to take a step back and remember that God is enough. If we never add to our family, He is enough. If we lose everything, He is enough. 1 Cor 12:9. We must continue to pursue Him and He will guide our path. Prov 3: 5-6. I know that if ti is God's will, he will provide and we will try again. In the meantime my heart lies even closer to eterninty, thank you Jesus.
