grief

Do you ever feel like you can't go on? Morning comes, you get up, everything else goes on, but can you? I know that God is in control although this outcome is not at all what either of us expected.  I must admit, having never had a miscarriage before, I simply took pregnancy for granted. Not that pregnancy is easy for me, just the thought of losing the babies seemed such a tiny chance.  The unexpected happened and for God's glory, our three babies are praising Jesus, right by his side.

What seems weird to me about the process is the suddenness with which it hits.  I will make it through the week as best I can, then without warning, I am on the floor in tears and not knowing when it will go again. I also know that the babies are much happier, having to never suffer the futility of this world. It seems the only actual grief is from my own dreams, plans and desires.  It is such a confusing time, it almost feels selfish to mourn them.

A woman told me that when this happens - you immediately, "become part of a sisterhood you never wanted to be a part of." How true that is. In the past month, I have listened to and shared with so many women about the children we never got a chance to hold, and even decades after they are still missed.  I have a new appreciation for the desperation of infertility. It seems the only thing that will fill a void is a baby.

I have to take a step back and remember that God is enough. If we never add to our family, He is enough. If we lose everything, He is enough. 1 Cor 12:9. We must continue to pursue Him and He will guide our path. Prov 3: 5-6. I know that if ti is God's will, he will provide and we will try again. In the meantime my heart lies even closer to eterninty, thank you Jesus.

the rollercoaster

After the official positive result, great blood counts, rising numbers - we were excited and starting to plan. Scared and trusting God along the way, we began wondering if it was one or two...

I went this past Wednesday for more blood work to make sure my numbers were rising as they should be, but Thursday morning I received a call at work. The nurse practitioner told me that my pregnancy hormone (HCG) was essentially back to zero, meaning that in one week's time I had gone from pregnant to not pregnant. We had lost all three babies. After tears, texts, supportive friends, and my wonderful husband's support, we watched as the Love of Christ surrounded us. Friends poured in calls, texts, meals, childcare, flowers and letters.

 Thursday afternoon, I received a voicemail from the doctor's office sating that tey just didn't understand how the labs looked the way they did, and 'not to give us a false hope' but we shouldh test again-just to eliminate the possibility of lab error. So, we waited until Friday morning for the next blood results which confirmed the original lab result of a miscarriage.

Having never been through anything like this before, especially with this much time, emotion, money and strength, I was just like a sail with no more air-with nowhere to turn but Him.

Romans 8:28 says, "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose..." We know that this is what He called us to and are thankful to have been a part of such a blessing and enlightening. This does give us peace through the storm.

We don't know where He will lead us next, but wherever it is we will follow obediently.

the heaviest "weight" yet

I was not prepared for the 12 day wait before the official blood test.  It hit me hard especially after losing one already.  God knew what a difficult few days it would be and sent countless texts, FB messages, phone calls and visits from friends. For that, I am so grateful.
In His grace, the greatest gift was to wake up early wednesday morning, take a home test that came out negative and still have the peace only He can give. It was through nothing I did myself, only through His gift. I had a totally different mindset and my heart was restful.
We went to dinner with old friends that evening (one of whom is pregnant) and she told a story of taking a pregnancy test and seeing it negative, then returning 5 days later to a positive test. Naturally, When I got home, I got the negative test out of the trash and sure enough, there it was, faint as can be- but still there-an extra line!
Ryan and I looked at each other and laughed nervously, thanking God!
I go tomorrow for the official blood test, so we'll know for sure.

praise God! They are coming home...

The transfer was yesterday, and no matter how you prepare yourself - the information they give you is so much to handle. When we got all dolled up (OR attire: scrubs, hairnets and all). They informed us that one of the babies did not survive the thaw. Although I had been through that scenario in my head, when it touched my heart as reality, it was tough. Praise be to God for that baby's brief life. Jesus is rejoicing to be with him or her right now. 

The remaining two embryos were "put in" and yes, Ryan was there for the conception! They traveled home with us and Lord willing I will be pregnant in a few days. Ryan told me that he was feling overwhelmed with the thought of triplets, and if we got there and one had not survived, he thought he would have felt relieved, but instead he felt disappointment. It will be a blink of an eye for that child to see us in heaven, bu we are the ones that must wait on this futile world.

I can truly say that before the transfer, I was on a high, and after my body and mind were so tired. I was so thankful to come home to an empty house (dear, dear friends kept the kids overnight) and just crash. Praise be to God for such community!

Lord, I thanks you so much for this opportunity to join you in this adventure, friends who are amazing enough to come over, lay on hands and pray for us through it.

we're a go!

My final check before the transfer was this morning. With all three kids in tow, I left for
Spartanburg at 7. Blood levels and lining all look right on track, so Wednesday, April 27th will be the day.
I will add that my mind has been racing lately, and I know that this is God's plan for us right now. We have experienced resistance along the way, but obedience is our only option.

here is a link to a short article on embryo adoption

Is Embryo Adoption Immoral?

Is Embryo Adoption Immoral?

keeping up

So, with two and a half weeks to go, my body seems to be cooperating so far.  Lord willing, the change in hormones as the med protocol changes will not make me lose my mind.

what He is teaching me

I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago as we are both playing the waiting games in our respective adoptions. We discussed how easily distracted from God we become when our worlds change. We talked about how even honorable things, tasks, people, and God's callings on our lives can become our idols.
I knew it in my head, I knew it in my head, but I have found that apart from God's precious grace, no change will come to my heart until He wills it.
We were scheduled for the transfer...a date in sight...reality. My aching for our babies was going to come to an end and I could see it.  I went this past Tuesday for my first blood test on all the meds, to see what progress had come. The doctor found an "active cyst" on my right ovary. Basically, that means it is affecting my hormone levels and the date would need to be pushed back, maybe a week, maybe longer...uncertainty once again.  It almost sounds like whining when I type it, such a small setback. I knew it in my head, that it is in His hands, His perfect timing, for His good - a good I might never be able to comprehend while on earth.
I knew it in my head, but only by God's grace can it change in my heart. I was worshipping at a gathering thursday night and was overcome with conviction that I had made God's calling first in my life recently, not God. Jesus is to be above all else.
So, Father, forgive me for putting anything before you. Isaiah 42:8 says, "I am the LORD; that is my name! I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols"

the package on my doorstep

So, since there was no polyp, I have started on my meds for the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) which is the terms for actually putting the embryos into my uterus.  Sorry to be so technical (not to mention graphic) but I hope it just makes things easier to use the correct jargon.  I am amazed that God resolved the polyp and the procedure was as easy as it could have been with minimal pain and side effects.

So off to order my meds...the doctor's estimate for the cost of my meds was 500-700 dollars, long story short, my insurance covered some and the total cost for us was 250. Soooo thankful! After overnight shipping, I received the box today, I opened it and poured the contents on the table, I was overwhelmed as the thought of this got REALLY real. I have known it all aong, but reality setting in has come in spurts. I begin giving myself shots tomorrow in the stomach, then move to IM shots in the rear after a few weeks wich could possibly last a few months into pregnancy.

Being a woman who was blessed by having three kids...*ahem...the old fashioned way...I have a new heart for women struggling with infertility and wanting to bear a child. God's perfect design for our bodies can not be duplicated, and in our attempt, it never is the same and challenges us daily to find joy.

My fears today are that none of the babies will "implant," also frankly, that all of the babies will implant, that they will be in the nicu, my blood pressure will rise, I will be sick again during pregnancy, that I will have throuble being a mom to all these kids. Father, I give You my fears. I know it will not be easy, but I know that is in Your eternal hands and as a friend quoting John Piper told me, " 'results are God's responsibility, obeying is mine'" Wherever this road takes me, I know it will draw me closer to Jesus and grow me into the person He wants me to be. 

He has done it again

Thank you all for the prayers, Ryan and I had a wonderful weekend. We spent much needed time together and time refocusing on Jesus. On the trip, we decided to step out in faith and go forward with the procedure.

I went today for a hysteroscopy, to remove the polyp the doctor thought he saw in November.  During the procedure, no polyp was found (Praise Jesus!), and I am now able to move forward with the cycle.

I was discussing with a friend this morning how weak we are to continually see God do huge things, then have one set-back and begin to doubt.  Jesus, please keep me focused on You alone!

surrender

This has been my lesson: to surrender daily, all that I am, all that I have and all that I want to Him.  For His will, His timing, and His good.

We leave in five days to pray over the adoption, the finances, the procedure, the babies themselves. We are seeking His will and timing. All of the tiny details are not recorded, but I did my best to document them so that we would have something to look back on to remind us.

Thanks for reading!

more of the story

so where were we?  ah, at the choosing of the embryos.  We chose the profile after a weekend couples retreat at Snowbird - what a great place, btw.  I called the doctor's office the following monday to pay our deposit on the babies.  We had 1000 in savings b/c of doing Financial Peace University, and I never thought that I found comfort or security in money. Let's face it - in an emercengy $1000 will not help you much.  The deposit was exactly that, and knowing that these were the babies meant for us, we faithfully paid the deposit.  As soon as the payment was sent, I had a physical reaction like I had never had before. I became jittery, slap-happy and was quickly convicted that I did indeed find some security in money, not God alone. 

So, there we were with nothing left, stepping put on faith and trusting God. I received a phone call the next morning from a friend, who said that she and her husband felt lead to help us financially for the adoption. I was amazed at His perfect timing!  We had a tiny garage sale and within six days of paying our deposit, God had restored over half of our "emergency fund."

I scheduled an exam to determine if I would be able to carry the babies for that next week. This is normal protocol, even if youhave crried babies in the past.  During the exam, they found a cyst on my ovary and a polyp in my uuterus. Neither was a health risk, but needed to be resolved before the transfer(which is the term for the implantation procedure). The doctor sent me home with a prescription for the pill and wanted to repeat the procedure in a month.

I was sad, but knew that this would be worked out gy God according to His timing.  Long story short, I returned in one month and the cyst was resolved and he didn't see the polyp. Ryan and I were dumdfounded.

Decide for yourself- is there a God out there that holds your life and every minute detail in His hands, or is it all one big coincidence?

So we wait and pray for His timing on the transfer

waiting...

We sit, we wait, we wait on God. My tendency is to hear from God a tiny piece of His plan- then do everything in my power to accomplish it - meanwhile screwing up the whole situation. This time, we are trying so hard to not screw up God's perfect story through the process.  I was telling a friend the other day that I want my babies so badly, that my belly feels empty. We talk about them, to keep us focused and are trying not to overlook how God has been working through this whole process. We have planned a weekend to go away and pray, fast, and seek God's will for the financial provision of the embryo transfer.

Is the Orphan My Neighbor?

Is the Orphan My Neighbor?

its been a while...

Ok, so its January and I couldn't even remember the exact web address for the blog... Just a quick recap of our progress.  We began pursuing our embryo adoption in September. There were two days that I was overcome with fear of the money, parenting and other factors involved with this type of adoption.  I awoke the next morning and at the time I had been reading through the book of John, one chapter at a time and of course, that day I was to read the story of Jesus feeding the 10,000. I took a deep breath as I read it and felt like one of the disciples handing out the bread and fish all the while thinking, "this will never feed enough...how will this work?.." and you know what - all the people were fed, satisfied and there were leftovers.  God was telling me and reassuring me through His word that if this is His plan, He will provide and there will still be leftovers.

I know this whole situation seems crazy or weird or whatever... but when God calls you to something,  He will use His word to support it and His Truth to set you free.

In the fall, we set out to choose the path for our embryo adoption. There were three choices: private donation, an agency, or through a reproductive endocrinologist in a town near us.  After some prayer, We didn't feel God leading us a certain way so we had the freedom to decide...I set up an appointment and filled out an application for the endocrinologist. I went to the appointment with the signed application, I did not realize it had to be notarized.  I was told to mail it in with a notary whenever I could and that the waitlist is usually 6-12months.

Ryan left for work the next morning and was to take the application to a co-worker to be notarized, but he forgot.  We would have to wait again... that night the phone rang...it was a friend from work, she asked if I was sitting down. She had mentioned us wanting to adopt embryos to her pastor's wife. Her pastor called her the next day and had a family in their church who had been praying about what to do with their "leftover" embryos.  I was in shock. we expected this to be a long process and here was a possibility after a week?!?!

After a few weeks of questions back and forth, the couple decided to wait a little longer before making an ultimate decision for their babies.  I was a little sad and confused, but obviously this was God's thing and He would make a way.  So, we mailed in the application to be put on the waitlist.

About that same time, God started opening doors with the DSS adoption as well. After two years of being stuck and feeling frustrated, things were moving. We attended 14 hours of training, had multiple home inspections, background checks, home study visits and as of January 13th, 2011 we are approved to adopt!!! What magnificent God He is! More waiting...

A week after I mailed the waitlist application, I called the doctor's office to see if they had received it. It was monday afternoon, and the woman said she had received it late friday and had opened it to start our file just this morning. She then paused and said, "it was the funniest thing..."  My heart flip-flopped, "...about ten minutes into making your file and I got a call from a couple who is bringing in their paperwork tomorrow to adopt out their embryos. I will have two sets for you to decide between by the end of the week!" I was stunned, here we were, ready to wait and a 6 -12 month waitlist just turned into 24 hours!!!  I was on my knees with His sovereignty.

We chose our three embryos because of the number after much prayer. I feel like God gave me the number three a long time ago when in worship - the day embryo adoption became real to us.  We took the profiles with us on a couples retreat and spent time praying over them and feel peaceful that they are now ours.