Do you ever feel like you can't go on? Morning comes, you get up, everything else goes on, but can you? I know that God is in control although this outcome is not at all what either of us expected. I must admit, having never had a miscarriage before, I simply took pregnancy for granted. Not that pregnancy is easy for me, just the thought of losing the babies seemed such a tiny chance. The unexpected happened and for God's glory, our three babies are praising Jesus, right by his side.
What seems weird to me about the process is the suddenness with which it hits. I will make it through the week as best I can, then without warning, I am on the floor in tears and not knowing when it will go again. I also know that the babies are much happier, having to never suffer the futility of this world. It seems the only actual grief is from my own dreams, plans and desires. It is such a confusing time, it almost feels selfish to mourn them.
A woman told me that when this happens - you immediately, "become part of a sisterhood you never wanted to be a part of." How true that is. In the past month, I have listened to and shared with so many women about the children we never got a chance to hold, and even decades after they are still missed. I have a new appreciation for the desperation of infertility. It seems the only thing that will fill a void is a baby.
I have to take a step back and remember that God is enough. If we never add to our family, He is enough. If we lose everything, He is enough. 1 Cor 12:9. We must continue to pursue Him and He will guide our path. Prov 3: 5-6. I know that if ti is God's will, he will provide and we will try again. In the meantime my heart lies even closer to eterninty, thank you Jesus.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
the rollercoaster
After the official positive result, great blood counts, rising numbers - we were excited and starting to plan. Scared and trusting God along the way, we began wondering if it was one or two...
I went this past Wednesday for more blood work to make sure my numbers were rising as they should be, but Thursday morning I received a call at work. The nurse practitioner told me that my pregnancy hormone (HCG) was essentially back to zero, meaning that in one week's time I had gone from pregnant to not pregnant. We had lost all three babies. After tears, texts, supportive friends, and my wonderful husband's support, we watched as the Love of Christ surrounded us. Friends poured in calls, texts, meals, childcare, flowers and letters.
Thursday afternoon, I received a voicemail from the doctor's office sating that tey just didn't understand how the labs looked the way they did, and 'not to give us a false hope' but we shouldh test again-just to eliminate the possibility of lab error. So, we waited until Friday morning for the next blood results which confirmed the original lab result of a miscarriage.
Having never been through anything like this before, especially with this much time, emotion, money and strength, I was just like a sail with no more air-with nowhere to turn but Him.
Romans 8:28 says, "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose..." We know that this is what He called us to and are thankful to have been a part of such a blessing and enlightening. This does give us peace through the storm.
We don't know where He will lead us next, but wherever it is we will follow obediently.
I went this past Wednesday for more blood work to make sure my numbers were rising as they should be, but Thursday morning I received a call at work. The nurse practitioner told me that my pregnancy hormone (HCG) was essentially back to zero, meaning that in one week's time I had gone from pregnant to not pregnant. We had lost all three babies. After tears, texts, supportive friends, and my wonderful husband's support, we watched as the Love of Christ surrounded us. Friends poured in calls, texts, meals, childcare, flowers and letters.
Thursday afternoon, I received a voicemail from the doctor's office sating that tey just didn't understand how the labs looked the way they did, and 'not to give us a false hope' but we shouldh test again-just to eliminate the possibility of lab error. So, we waited until Friday morning for the next blood results which confirmed the original lab result of a miscarriage.
Having never been through anything like this before, especially with this much time, emotion, money and strength, I was just like a sail with no more air-with nowhere to turn but Him.
Romans 8:28 says, "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose..." We know that this is what He called us to and are thankful to have been a part of such a blessing and enlightening. This does give us peace through the storm.
We don't know where He will lead us next, but wherever it is we will follow obediently.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
the heaviest "weight" yet
I was not prepared for the 12 day wait before the official blood test. It hit me hard especially after losing one already. God knew what a difficult few days it would be and sent countless texts, FB messages, phone calls and visits from friends. For that, I am so grateful.
In His grace, the greatest gift was to wake up early wednesday morning, take a home test that came out negative and still have the peace only He can give. It was through nothing I did myself, only through His gift. I had a totally different mindset and my heart was restful.
We went to dinner with old friends that evening (one of whom is pregnant) and she told a story of taking a pregnancy test and seeing it negative, then returning 5 days later to a positive test. Naturally, When I got home, I got the negative test out of the trash and sure enough, there it was, faint as can be- but still there-an extra line!
Ryan and I looked at each other and laughed nervously, thanking God!
I go tomorrow for the official blood test, so we'll know for sure.
In His grace, the greatest gift was to wake up early wednesday morning, take a home test that came out negative and still have the peace only He can give. It was through nothing I did myself, only through His gift. I had a totally different mindset and my heart was restful.
We went to dinner with old friends that evening (one of whom is pregnant) and she told a story of taking a pregnancy test and seeing it negative, then returning 5 days later to a positive test. Naturally, When I got home, I got the negative test out of the trash and sure enough, there it was, faint as can be- but still there-an extra line!
Ryan and I looked at each other and laughed nervously, thanking God!
I go tomorrow for the official blood test, so we'll know for sure.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
praise God! They are coming home...
The transfer was yesterday, and no matter how you prepare yourself - the information they give you is so much to handle. When we got all dolled up (OR attire: scrubs, hairnets and all). They informed us that one of the babies did not survive the thaw. Although I had been through that scenario in my head, when it touched my heart as reality, it was tough. Praise be to God for that baby's brief life. Jesus is rejoicing to be with him or her right now.
The remaining two embryos were "put in" and yes, Ryan was there for the conception! They traveled home with us and Lord willing I will be pregnant in a few days. Ryan told me that he was feling overwhelmed with the thought of triplets, and if we got there and one had not survived, he thought he would have felt relieved, but instead he felt disappointment. It will be a blink of an eye for that child to see us in heaven, bu we are the ones that must wait on this futile world.
I can truly say that before the transfer, I was on a high, and after my body and mind were so tired. I was so thankful to come home to an empty house (dear, dear friends kept the kids overnight) and just crash. Praise be to God for such community!
Lord, I thanks you so much for this opportunity to join you in this adventure, friends who are amazing enough to come over, lay on hands and pray for us through it.
The remaining two embryos were "put in" and yes, Ryan was there for the conception! They traveled home with us and Lord willing I will be pregnant in a few days. Ryan told me that he was feling overwhelmed with the thought of triplets, and if we got there and one had not survived, he thought he would have felt relieved, but instead he felt disappointment. It will be a blink of an eye for that child to see us in heaven, bu we are the ones that must wait on this futile world.
I can truly say that before the transfer, I was on a high, and after my body and mind were so tired. I was so thankful to come home to an empty house (dear, dear friends kept the kids overnight) and just crash. Praise be to God for such community!
Lord, I thanks you so much for this opportunity to join you in this adventure, friends who are amazing enough to come over, lay on hands and pray for us through it.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
we're a go!
My final check before the transfer was this morning. With all three kids in tow, I left for
Spartanburg at 7. Blood levels and lining all look right on track, so Wednesday, April 27th will be the day.
I will add that my mind has been racing lately, and I know that this is God's plan for us right now. We have experienced resistance along the way, but obedience is our only option.
Spartanburg at 7. Blood levels and lining all look right on track, so Wednesday, April 27th will be the day.
I will add that my mind has been racing lately, and I know that this is God's plan for us right now. We have experienced resistance along the way, but obedience is our only option.
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